Monday 29 September 2014

PR Agent!!


“Well, I think I’m in trigger actually." I answer, as I arrive at a CPD practice workshop.  "Other than that, I’m ok and not aware I’m bringing much material to work with.”  The other members of the group help me explore this sudden 'trigger' response and I explain that upon turning into Wiggington Road this morning, a part of me appears to have very much ‘disappeared’.
 
“You see, I used to live here, on this street, as a very young girl and I think a part of me just slipped out to explore (gestures with Left arm) over there somewhere.”  I pat my pockets, delve through my handbag and look down my T-shirt.  “Nope!  She’s definitely not here.  My mini-me is probably playing, wilfully and without permission, under a Chestnut tree, as she always did!”

Because I’d travelled with a friend, I had no idea of the venue address so arriving on that particular street was obviously a bit of a shock. 

“Mini-me’ll be back when she’s re-oriented.” I reassure the group.

My conscious awareness of what some term ‘soul loss’ was palpable; It left me feeling dazed and literally out of body; or a part of me out of body.  It’s like the feeling where you know that even though you are sitting in the right room with the right people at the right time, you just aren’t fully there.

Soul loss is something I became aware of around ‘06/’07 and it made too much sense to reject out of hand because I couldn’t scientifically explain it.  Since then I’ve worked with and explored the whole concept of soul loss, retrieval and re-contracting and come to understand it more deeply BUT, to be fully awake and present in the moment, right at the point that a ‘known’ part of me went walkabout was new.  This was a first because I knew exactly which bit was missing.

So what is soul loss?  It might be easier if I swap ‘soul’ for ‘energy’.

Sudden energy loss can be caused by lots of things; shock, loss, unseen fatigue, fear, denial etc.  It’s like the feeling you’ve been winded and you need a moment to right yourself and regain your balance.  Because you exist in your energy, when it leaks or disappears, a part of you does too.  Each time we interact with another, we exchange energy.  Depending on the structure of our relationship (independent, co-dependent, inter-dependent) we can exchange a little or a lot of our personal energy.  For instance, if we seek the approval of another we give away our energy in exchange for that approval.  If we (knowingly or unknowingly) get involved in the drama of another, making it our drama, we give away our own energy to fuel that insurgence.  This is every day soul/energy loss and something to manage if you are wishing to possess all of yourself.

Was I so aware of this escaping child because of the inner child work I have done these many years?  By consciously re-connecting with and bringing my little self to life, she now walks this life with me.  She is an important aspect of my holistic self and cannot die and fall away like an old scab revealing new skin beneath it, to be admired and approved of by the great and the good. 

This girl is not to be tamed and, in admiration of all she witnessed and endured, I love that she kept her wicked sense of humour which pays no respect to the common boundaries held within what the grownups call ‘best behaviour please’.  I love that she plays with worms, climbs trees (and gets caught by the rozzers!) and prefers to be scruffy and grubby.  She breaks my limiting beliefs as an adult and pushes me further than I might ordinarily go in my ‘old fart’ stance!  She flies in the face of adversity and uses her sharp wit and inventive mind to extricate herself from life’s trip hazards (she also turns and sticks her tongue out as she’s walking away which lacks grace but probably feels good!).  And, I’m the only person she fully, implicitly trusts.

She exists on her own terms and is not here to please others.  She cares not that she bucks the system because she only sees truth.  As the adult, I help her translate that truth from a sticky-out tongue into meaningful words which not only convey her message but land where they might otherwise not have done.  As an aspect of me, I’m her PR Agent!

With Love
29.09.14