“Well, I think I’m in trigger actually." I answer, as I arrive at a CPD practice workshop. "Other than that, I’m ok and not aware I’m bringing
much material to work with.” The other
members of the group help me explore this sudden 'trigger' response and I
explain that upon turning into Wiggington Road this morning, a part of me
appears to have very much ‘disappeared’.
“You see, I used to live here, on this street, as a very
young girl and I think a part of me just slipped out to explore (gestures with
Left arm) over there somewhere.” I pat
my pockets, delve through my handbag and look down my T-shirt. “Nope!
She’s definitely not here. My
mini-me is probably playing, wilfully and without permission, under a Chestnut
tree, as she always did!”
Because I’d travelled with a friend, I had no idea of the venue address so arriving on that particular street was obviously a bit of a
shock.
“Mini-me’ll be back when she’s re-oriented.” I reassure the group.
My conscious awareness of what some term ‘soul loss’ was
palpable; It left me feeling dazed and literally out of body; or a part of me
out of body. It’s like the feeling where
you know that even though you are sitting in the right room with the right
people at the right time, you just aren’t fully there.
Soul loss is something I became aware of around ‘06/’07
and it made too much sense to reject out of hand because I couldn’t
scientifically explain it. Since then I’ve
worked with and explored the whole concept of soul loss, retrieval and re-contracting
and come to understand it more deeply BUT, to be fully awake and present in the
moment, right at the point that a ‘known’ part of me went walkabout was new. This was a first because I knew exactly which
bit was missing.
So what is soul loss?
It might be easier if I swap ‘soul’ for ‘energy’.
Sudden energy loss can be caused by lots of things;
shock, loss, unseen fatigue, fear, denial etc.
It’s like the feeling you’ve been winded and you need a moment to right
yourself and regain your balance. Because
you exist in your energy, when it leaks or disappears, a part of you does too. Each time we interact with another, we
exchange energy. Depending on the
structure of our relationship (independent, co-dependent, inter-dependent) we
can exchange a little or a lot of our personal energy. For instance, if we seek the approval of
another we give away our energy in exchange for that approval. If we (knowingly or unknowingly) get involved
in the drama of another, making it our drama, we give away our own energy to
fuel that insurgence. This is every day
soul/energy loss and something to manage if you are wishing to possess all of yourself.
Was I so aware of this escaping child because of the inner child work I have done these
many years? By consciously re-connecting
with and bringing my little self to life, she now walks this life with me. She is an important aspect of my holistic
self and cannot die and fall away like an old scab revealing new skin beneath
it, to be admired and approved of by the great and the good.
This girl is not to be tamed and, in admiration of all
she witnessed and endured, I love that she kept her wicked sense of humour
which pays no respect to the common boundaries held within what the grownups
call ‘best behaviour please’. I love
that she plays with worms, climbs trees (and gets caught by the rozzers!) and
prefers to be scruffy and grubby. She
breaks my limiting beliefs as an adult and pushes me further than I might ordinarily go in
my ‘old fart’ stance! She flies in the
face of adversity and uses her sharp wit and inventive mind to extricate
herself from life’s trip hazards (she also turns and sticks her tongue out as
she’s walking away which lacks grace but probably feels good!). And, I’m the only person she fully,
implicitly trusts.
She exists on her own terms and is not here to please
others. She cares not that she bucks the
system because she only sees truth. As
the adult, I help her translate that truth from a sticky-out tongue into
meaningful words which not only convey her message but land where they might
otherwise not have done. As an aspect of
me, I’m her PR Agent!
With Love
29.09.14