A Mother's Battle

UK troops hand over Camp Bastion to Afghan forces, ending 13-year campaign

Defence secretary says mistakes were made in Afghanistan, where 453 British soldiers lost their lives fighting the Taliban.

I wrote this poem after I learned of the story of a Mother who fought the MOD for the right to fly into Camp Bastion before the hand over to kneel at the spot where her son lost his life.  She won, despite her deep loss.

Who was with you, my boy

When you drew your last breath

When you closed your eyes

To see no more

Who told you it’s ok

You are loved

You are safe

I’m here now, you can let go

Let go of life

Of hopes, dreams, plans and seeds

All dead now; in a box with your heart

All dead now; in a box with my heart

And what of me

As I rage and scream

The futility of sacrifice

Willingly given

By you, dear heart

What of me?

PR Agent!!

“Well, I think I’m in trigger actually." I answer, as I arrive at a CPD practice workshop.  "Other than that, I’m ok and not aware I’m bringing much material to work with.”  The other members of the group help me explore this sudden 'trigger' response and I explain that upon turning into Wiggington Road this morning, a part of me appears to have very much ‘disappeared’.

 

“You see, I used to live here, on this street, as a very young girl and I think a part of me just slipped out to explore (gestures with Left arm) over there somewhere.”  I pat my pockets, delve through my handbag and look down my T-shirt.  “Nope!  She’s definitely not here.  My mini-me is probably playing, wilfully and without permission, under a Chestnut tree, as she always did!”

Because I’d travelled with a friend, I had no idea of the venue address so arriving on that particular street was obviously a bit of a shock. 

“Mini-me’ll be back when she’s re-oriented.” I reassure the group.

My conscious awareness of what some term ‘soul loss’ was palpable; It left me feeling dazed and literally out of body; or a part of me out of body.  It’s like the feeling where you know that even though you are sitting in the right room with the right people at the right time, you just aren’t fully there.

Soul loss is something I became aware of around ‘06/’07 and it made too much sense to reject out of hand because I couldn’t scientifically explain it.  Since then I’ve worked with and explored the whole concept of soul loss, retrieval and re-contracting and come to understand it more deeply BUT, to be fully awake and present in the moment, right at the point that a ‘known’ part of me went walkabout was new.  This was a first because I knew exactly which bit was missing.

So what is soul loss?  It might be easier if I swap ‘soul’ for ‘energy’.

Sudden energy loss can be caused by lots of things; shock, loss, unseen fatigue, fear, denial etc.  It’s like the feeling you’ve been winded and you need a moment to right yourself and regain your balance.  Because you exist in your energy, when it leaks or disappears, a part of you does too.  Each time we interact with another, we exchange energy.  Depending on the structure of our relationship (independent, co-dependent, inter-dependent) we can exchange a little or a lot of our personal energy.  For instance, if we seek the approval of another we give away our energy in exchange for that approval.  If we (knowingly or unknowingly) get involved in the drama of another, making it our drama, we give away our own energy to fuel that insurgence.  This is every day soul/energy loss and something to manage if you are wishing to possess all of yourself.

Was I so aware of this escaping child because of the inner child work I have done these many years?  By consciously re-connecting with and bringing my little self to life, she now walks this life with me.  She is an important aspect of my holistic self and cannot die and fall away like an old scab revealing new skin beneath it, to be admired and approved of by the great and the good. 

This girl is not to be tamed and, in admiration of all she witnessed and endured, I love that she kept her wicked sense of humour which pays no respect to the common boundaries held within what the grownups call ‘best behaviour please’.  I love that she plays with worms, climbs trees (and gets caught by the rozzers!) and prefers to be scruffy and grubby.  She breaks my limiting beliefs as an adult and pushes me further than I might ordinarily go in my ‘old fart’ stance!  She flies in the face of adversity and uses her sharp wit and inventive mind to extricate herself from life’s trip hazards (she also turns and sticks her tongue out as she’s walking away which lacks grace but probably feels good!).  And, I’m the only person she fully, implicitly trusts.

She exists on her own terms and is not here to please others.  She cares not that she bucks the system because she only sees truth.  As the adult, I help her translate that truth from a sticky-out tongue into meaningful words which not only convey her message but land where they might otherwise not have done.  As an aspect of me, I’m her PR Agent!

With Love

29.09.14

Change is Unconditional

Change is unconditional and instigating change means 'being' the change.  The 'if / then' negotiation of life prevails, (if I do this good thing then I will be rewarded) and is largely based upon conditional parenting, religion, politics and the class system.  It values and de-values us according to status, gender and race and if we buy into this value system, we are limited for life.  Once you transcend this system, the rules evaporate and you become the change you seek without all the legacy guilt or unaffordable price tag.

What does this mean and how can it apply in practice?

If we start at the beginning with the parent and we forget all the generations that came before you (although they are extremely important and need to be acknowledged when focus and desire converge), then we start with the simple premise that the parents' subconscious mind played a part in how you were raised; it had to.  

What is the subconscious mind?  Well, definition says "it is the part that notices and remembers when you are not actively trying to do so.  It influences your behaviour even though you do not realise it."  

If we think of the subconscious mind as the bit that stores the standard programs; how to sit on a chair, how to boil an egg, how to go to sleep, it's all the stuff we repeat again and again which has no need to be re-learned. Remember that word, 're-learned'.

Being raised by the subconscious programs of the last generation will make us, to some extent, an echo of our parents and carers.  But what if some of those subconscious programs were negative or limiting and being driven out of fear or hatred; what then?

At this juncture, I would ask, to what extent are those programs running our lives today? 

If your parents were religious for example, how has that impacted your life today?  Do you believe that certain of your behaviours, if not 'holy or pure' will attract the wrath and judgement of some pre-ordained deity?  Another example might be if your parents were educationally driven and it was important to them that you attend university in order to secure this job or that.  Or, what if they were extremely careful with money and never took any chances?  My question is, are any of these things important to you and if they are, how do you know?

These subconscious programs are handed down generation to generation, driven from some sort of social acceptance, religious dictum, exclusion or intolerance, and if we are not fully conscious, we get carried along and unwittingly accept these programs and expectations as being our own.  

How many of us have sailed through our 20's and 30's only to realise our life is not how we saw it playing out?; not actually what we wanted for ourselves? Might this be because we are fulfilling the expectations of the previous generation?  Could we ask the same question of the generation that came before them?... and the one before that maybe?

So, when standing back and looking at this generational programming, can you see or can you identify times when you have sensed any incongruity or dissonance in what you are doing?  Let me put it another way.  

Is the life you are leading true to your core values and beliefs?

I'm going to leave things there.  I sense they need to bubble along on the back burner for a while whilst pondering takes place.

I leave you with my very best wish for exactly what you want.

Hugs

Chrissy x